Finding yourself is about finding your true self.
The part of you that knows who you are and what your life is about.
Because your soul needs you to show up for YOU.
And.. you have a destiny to fulfill.
You have someone you’re meant to be.
The simplest metaphor is that a caterpillar must become a butterfly. And, if it doesn’t, it will die. A caterpillar’s destiny is clear.
And you are no different!
Finding yourself involves mind, body and soul.
Your mind will help you be true to yourself. Your body will carry you where you’re meant to go. And last, but not least, your soul holds the roadmap for your life.
So, what is your destiny? As you uncover yourself, your questions get answered. So let’s get started!
The Soul and Finding Yourself.
There’s a seed planted within you, the soul, and it must grow. Finding yourself involves growing the potential within you.
A soulful life is where your focus is on YOUR relationship with YOU and the sacred otherness of life.
Because the world needs your experience, perspective, knowledge, and heart. Live all out, until the last day, so that one day, a long time from now, you’ll go out with a bang, not a whimper.
Live your life.
First, live your own life. In other words, try to… stay in your lane. Meaning, don’t rely on what is happening externally or in other people’s lives. Instead, create your life based on what your soul is here to do.
We get distracted by comparing ourselves or feeling like we’re behind in life and this sucks our energy and makes finding ourselves more difficult. Instead, try new things and expand your perspective of what’s possible!
So, it’s best to stay in your lane and live YOUR life, the one that’s designed for you.
Finding yourself is a process and a journey, so be patient as you walk this fantastic, exciting life.
Be kind, compassionate, and caring toward yourself. Shoot, be your own best friend!
Pema Chodron says, “When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly too.”
Think about it for a moment. You come into the world alone and leave the world alone, shouldn’t you befriend yourself along the way?
Self-honesty is part of finding yourself because we’re here to learn. It’s taking an honest look and seeing past mistakes as a compassionate friend would and making the necessary changes.
Self-rejection is criticizing yourself, being intolerant of yourself, and telling yourself you’re not good enough in some way. Here’s the truth, as you befriend yourself, you will find the world friendlier. It’s strange how that works, but it is very true.
As we are true to ourselves, we feel a greater sense of belonging and connection to the world around us. This is a wonderful gift of personal discovery.
Heal grief and loss.
I wrote The Butterfly Silhouette after I lost my husband, leaving me and our two young sons. Grief is very personal. Finding yourself is grieving in your own way, going through each stage at your pace, because it’s certainly a hard time.
Loss is unfortunately a natural part of life. We lose relationships, people we love, our youth, our health, etc. After significant losses, we’re different, and we need to find ourselves again.
Grieving is such an important aspect of personal discovery and finding yourself because the weight of grief can bury us for a very long time. As we feel it to heal it, we leave the past, move into the present moment, and it’s in the present that we create the future we desire.
Love the soul.
As you love the soul, you connect more deeply with yourself. Finding yourself is about deepening your connection to you.
Individuality is soulful. Because no two souls are alike! No two people are alike, it’s hard to even wrap your mind around that one. But, doesn’t that make you feel like you’re significant?
As you’re on your journey to finding yourself, embrace being a one-of-a-kind individual.
When you honor your purpose, feel secure in who you are, and lean into your sense of spirit, the part of you that soars. It’s extremely soulful to live connected to your sense of spirit 24/7.
Care of the Soul.
Keep the needs of your soul at the center of life is part of caring for the soul. Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life is one of the most beautiful and informative books on this subject and my favorite book of all time.
And it’s so awesome because we’re given the talents, strength, perseverance, and power to grow self-confidence and follow our soul’s path. Finding yourself is a beautiful process of being true to one’s soul.
Another great way to connect with yourself, and focus on finding yourself is to stay home and treat your home and yourself like you’re on a vacation. Be intentional. No work or To Do lists! No obligatory phone calls or social responsibilities. Instead, do whatever you want that will feed your mind, body, and soul. You can call it a Soulful Staycation!
A personal retreat is much like a staycation, but in the retreat, you organize each day as though you’re on a retreat in a faraway tropical place. Like Fiji perhaps? Finding yourself is more fun in Fiji! But, you’re not! Your retreat is at home. With family or without family… it’s up to you!
On a retreat you may be silent, you may take a soulful salt bath, you may eat only organic, healthy food, or you might walk a labyrinth each day.
In the retreat, you’re intentionally doing helpful tasks for self-discovery. While on the staycation your focus is rest and recharging.
The best-selling book, Wherever you Go, There You Are is one of the best books on the subject of meditation. And meditation is an opportunity for deep feelings to arise.
For the novice or more advanced meditator, Jon Kabat-Zinn gives great ideas for how to get started. His initial advice is: Just stop and breathe. We can do that right? It’s a great starting place to begin finding yourself and uncovering your destiny. A lot of spiritual guidance can come in when the mind is quiet.
Ask for spiritual guidance. Rebecca Rosen, a spiritual medium, advises us to ask our spirit guides for clarity and guidance. If this belief resonates with you, then you can ask all day if you really want to.
There is literally TONS of spiritual guidance for finding yourself.
Whatever your beliefs, turn to some form of intelligence that can help you navigate your life. You do not walk this path alone and you certainly don’t have to. In her book, Spirited, Rebecca lays all of this out for you.
First, go to a bookstore or art store and buy yourself a self discovery journal. Or grab an old notebook from home. This will be your Soul Journal. A SOUL JOURNAL helps you connect with the part of you that is eternal, clear, and unique. These specific journal prompts are directed at finding yourself and helping you nourish your soul. You can just scribble a few sentences. And one prompt at a time… Don’t feel like it’s a chore. You really want this to feel relaxing and supportive.
12 principles of metamorphosis – I created these twelve principles to help people find themselves after any loss. Unfortunately, life is filled with loss and we need the skills to heal the heart.
Surrender is acknowledging that we don’t have to control everything, nor would we want to. In surrender, we acknowledge that we’re co-creators of our lives. We can turn over to a higher power what feels like too much, and when we need help. We can surrender our fear, our helplessness, our anxiety, etc.
Take a soul quiz.
To help you determine how close you are to your true self take this soul quiz.
The Mind and Finding Yourself.
Finding yourself includes thinking high quality. High-quality thinking is thinking that is supportive, empowering, and self-loving.
First, the mind is throughout the body.
First, the mind isn’t only the brain. You may picture it that way, but that’s inaccurate. As the psychologist, Dr. Dan Siegel from UCLA tells us, the mind is throughout the body.
Affirmations for self love.
Affirmations for self love are a consistent reminder to your brain that you are worthy of love, and confidence, and you deserve to have good things come to you. Is there anything more important than keeping your thoughts supportive and self-loving? Finding yourself includes reminding YOU that you deserve love! However, sometimes the self-love journey is a long one, so be extra gentle with yourself along the way.
Avoid energy vampires.
As we’re made of energy, we feel the energy of those around us. And, if toxic people are around you, you will absolutely be affected by their toxic energy. So, give yourself permission, in cases where you have the choice, to be around people who lift you up, give you hope, and don’t bring you down.
Finding yourself often means protecting YOUR energy. This is absolutely a priority for us sensitive types. So, whether it’s from family members, friends, co-workers, protect your energy.
Christiane Northrup, M.D. helps us understand how we can evade energy vampires in her best selling book, Dodging Energy Vampires. I’m grateful because this topic comes up A LOT in my work as a soul coach. Being annoyed by other people is one of the top reasons people leave their jobs!
Minimize social media.
You already know this… but it’s a time sucker. It’s so easy to go there to let the mind relax, but do we? Maybe for a minute or two, but social media is a distraction from the moment and can easily consume more time than we realize.
The basis for finding yourself is self-acceptance. Accepting all of who you are with the desire to learn and grow. Any self-discovery journey includes allowing the gifts, skills, talents, challenges, imperfections, and points of growth.
To understand your life traps, one of the most impactful books I’ve read is: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again, by Jeffrey E. Young Ph. D. and Janet S. Klosko, Ph. D.
This remarkable book helps the reader identify the roadblocks that are present based on inborn temperament and experiences. Part of finding yourself is understanding where your roadblocks are! Self-awareness is key and this framework is extremely helpful.
Ultimately, finding yourself includes overcoming old patterns so you’ll be free to create what’s possible for your life. This is an important part of self-love.
Self-talk is what we say when we talk to ourselves… and we want it to be kind, patient, and honest. This is at the heart of a soulful life.
In my humble opinion, the absolute best book on positive and negative self-talk is What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.
It was first published in 1986 and gives thorough and easy to understand guidance about self talk and how to talk to yourself in a way that’s self-loving, supportive, and honors that you’re a whole human being, not a robot!
This book is a game changer. Finding yourself and good mental health begins with self-acceptance.
Lastly, beware of overthinking situations. We tend to go over and over in our minds what we’ve said, what we’ve done, and what we wish we’d done. Usually, when you’re overthinking, it’s because you have emotions that you want to find and express. It’s self-loving to give yourself the attention you need.
One thing at a time.
Chunking is a term I heard from Tony Robbins, and this technique will make such a difference in your life! Examples are, when you have a lot to get done and the TO DO list is overwhelming, choose one thing to do at a time. If you’re cleaning the house, choose one room. With the kitchen, choose one drawer. When your job, choose one thing from one project!
Don’t think about the entire TO DO list and all that you have to do. Don’t! Just do one small piece. You know the saying: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Kind of gross, but it’s the same idea.
Toxic positivity is using positive thoughts to avoid, repress, and ignore how you feel. All feelings must be felt in your life. On the road to finding yourself, high-quality thinking is the tool that guides you to higher ground.
A while back, I wrote a Dr. Seuss-style poem to help clients avoid toxic positivity. Clearly, we don’t want to find that we’re using positivity to avoid what’s real in our lives. That’s not soulful! And you can clearly do both: feel your emotions and think high quality… and it’s healthy and soulful to do so. It’s not a good prescription for optimal mental health to ignore your feelings.
Is it love or fear?
It is said that all feelings in life can be distilled into two polar opposite emotions: love and fear. So, ask yourself, where am I now? Love or fear? If you’re afraid of something, there are literally thousands of tools and techniques to face and release it. Finding yourself and growing in life includes your willingness to feel what is true for you.
Since emotional energy stays in the body until it’s felt and released, we need emotional release techniques to use as a regular part of our self-discovery routine. There are many techniques available so you can do this on your own. However, if you’re struggling and you’re not ready to feel like you’re sad, or hurt, or afraid, then seek out the help of a qualified therapist or counselor.
Emotional release is BIG part of finding yourself because part of our purpose is to heal our lives. There’s usually more going on beneath the surface than we realize in life and as we feel and let go, ultimately over time, we can be free.
Emotional Freedom Technique.
The emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping is a form of psychological acupressure, based on the same energy meridians used in traditional acupuncture to treat physical and emotional ailments for over 5,000 years, but without the invasiveness of needles. Instead, simple tapping with the fingertips is used to input kinetic energy onto specific meridians on the head and chest while you think about your specific problem — whether it is a traumatic event, an addiction, pain, etc. — and voice positive affirmations.
Emotional Freedom Technique You Tube demonstration with Julie Schiffman.
The Sedona Method
The Sedona Method is one of my personal favorite emotional release techniques because it’s easy, you can do it anywhere, anytime, and it goes into deep feeling without going too deep. In summary, it’s allowing and accepting your emotion and asking yourself if you can let it go IN THAT MOMENT. Not forever, but moment by moment, until you’re less encumbered by the emotion.
This very simple release technique was created by Jeanne Nangle: Feel it. Allow and Accept it. Choose a high-vibe thought. Exhale. Repeat this exercise with each new low-vibe emotion.
When you are stressed, it’s a sign that you need to breathe. It’s also a heads-up that you need to be more soul-centered. Use the breath to relax the body and calm the limbic brain (fight or flight). Again, there are countless breath techniques. Here’s an easy one that I like: Inhale 4 counts, exhale for 8 counts.
Breathing slowly and gently when you’re anxious or feeling confused helps clear the mind.
Mashhur Anam Holographic meditation.
The very special meditation happens at about 30:00 minutes in and lasts about 10 minutes. It’s one of my favorite guided meditations for the soul.
One KEY concept right out of the gate is this: Your thoughts are powerful. Profound thoughts are soulful! Your thoughts create emotion. Therefore, your soul needs you to think in ways that are supportive of your soul’s journey along the way in this life.
For further reading, the power of thought and how negative thinking is literally killing people is the main theme in my futuristic, self-help book, The Thought Store. This is a great gift for any negative thinkers out there. And hey, I was one of them, so I understand!
Here’s a great infographic of my 8 Simple Thinking Habits from The Thought Store.
Self love habits.
In the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg he says, “A habit is a formula our brain automatically follows: When I see CUE, I will do ROUTINE in order to get a REWARD. To re-engineer that formula, we need to begin making choices again. And the easiest way to do this, according to study after study, is to have a plan.”
Read these 3 self-love habits each day and watch yourself create the habit of self-love. Self-love and finding yourself go hand in hand, so focusing on growing self-love is very important.
Prayers and Mantras.
Prayers and mantras are extremely important for calming the mind and finding yourself.
Isn’t it easier to look for something with a calm mind?
You can recite calming prayers and mantras as a regular way of calming your mind, body, and soul throughout the day. Find mantras that resonate with YOU or take you to a place you aspire to. Mantras are a great way to fill your mind with thoughts that elevate you and remind you of your personal power.
Don’t yuck my yum.
This saying is popular for a good reason! Don’t let others rob you of your joy! So tell them, don’t spew all over this thing that feeds my soul! You don’t know what feeds MY soul, just as I don’t know what feeds yours!
Gratitude shifts energy quicker than anything, but don’t use it to avoid emotions or your true self.
Begin each morning with gratitude before your feet hit the floor. Here’s a short, two-minute audio that will help you know how gratitude might sound. We all know how to say thank you of course, but it’s helpful to know the many and varied ways in which you can be grateful.
Also, you can begin the day with a gratitude prayer. This is very powerful for setting your intention for the day to be in gratitude for all that’s present. This way you’re not starting the day in lack. Be soulful and start the day in abundance.
Four basic human wants.
We have four basic human wants beneath every emotion. In The Sedona Method, Hale Dwoskin breaks down what we want into four categories. You can use this list to determine what you REALLY want underneath. This gives depth to your uncomfortable emotions and moves you along your journey to self love.
- Safety and security
- Control – we want control, especially if we had a difficult childhood. And we can only control ourselves. This is the hardest thing for me…
Give to yourself.
As you give yourself what you need, finding your truth becomes easier. This is a beautiful thing to do in your life. All too often we judge ourselves, or feel like we’re not enough, or we feel guilty when we care for our own needs. This is a mistake. Your mental health requires that self-care be a regular part of your routine. As you care for your deeper, soulful needs, you will have more energy and love to give. It’s true!
Finding yourself in nature.
Finding yourself in nature is good for the soul! When we are out in nature we are closer to our primal instincts, the soul, it’s usually quieter, it’s closer to the stillness within us. Find ways to escape the suburbs or city and get out on a path or sit in a quiet place and just be quiet. Self-care requires that we get outside and breathe fresh air. Remember, finding yourself includes connecting with the natural beauty around you.
A big part of self-discovery in life is finding compassion for ourselves within this human experience.
This audio download, Poems of Self-compassion, by the popular and amazing poet, David Whyte, is tremendously healing as he reminds us of our humanity, the depth of grief, and how to walk through it. It’s one of the most remarkable audios I’ve EVER heard. I listened to this daily on my own soulful, healing journey. If you aren’t into poetry, this may not resonate with you. But, it’s truly one of the most beautiful audios I’ve ever listened to. This audio can be listened to in addition to soulful music.
Affirmations for self love.
My blog post 307 Affirmations for Self-Love is one of the most comprehensive blog posts on affirmations that I’ve seen and will move your process along beautifully.
Affirmations are key to finding yourself because thoughts have an energy frequency.
Each and every thought you have either raises or lowers your energy frequency. Therefore, saying affirmations daily can be a great tool for raising your energy and self-confidence. Even write your affirmations and stick them on your refrigerator. Change them each week as you evolve, because you will!
The Body and Finding Yourself.
While your body may not be the one you’d choose for this journey of life, or there are parts you wouldn’t choose, it’s the one God gave you, or whatever your belief is on this, so finding yourself includes caring for the body.
As you focus on self-care and your core values, and less on how the body looks or losing weight, you’ll see a shift in how you view yourself. This doesn’t happen overnight, but as you grow self-love and live closer to the soul, you’ll be less outwardly focused.
Think of it this way, you have things you want to accomplish and you need your unique flesh and bones to do so!
This journey includes eating in a way that suits your individual physical requirements. What works for one person, may not work for another.
In a word or three words, experts are telling us that there’s a direct connection between the gut, brain, and overall health in life.
Walking is soulful because it connects you to the ground.
Energy healing – Rudy Hunter
EMDR – Eye Movement, Desensitization and Recovery
Toning – This very effective technique uses the vibration and sound of the out-breath from deep within the body to release emotional pressure.
High-intensity Interval Training
HIIT involves short bursts of intense exercise alternated with low-intensity recovery periods. Interestingly, it is perhaps the most time-efficient way to exercise.
According to Healthline Magazine, there are 7 benefits to high-intensity interval training.
Use it or lose it! According to Harvard Health Publishing, as we age, it becomes more important to stretch each day. Stretching keeps the body youthful and flexible. Any soulful self-care routine includes stretching.
As we already know, getting a good night’s sleep is important for EVERYTHING! Health, well-being, mood, recovery, soulfulness, self-care… all of it. Yet, sleep can be elusive for many. There’s lots of advice on this subject and here are a few things that have stood out for me.
Apparently the body loves routine. Going to bed around the same time each night and waking up at the same time each morning.
Avoid screens before bed! Other than TV, I don’t look at a screen for 2 to 3 hours before bedtime. So, no phone, no computer, no laptop, no tablet… so my mind can begin to shut down.
And avoid sugar before bedtime because sugar is a stimulant! So obviously, we don’t need to stimulate the body before bed, right?
The benefits of yoga are extensive!
Finding yourself is loving the mind, body, and soul because you need all three to be who you’re meant to be. To fulfill your destiny! The goal is to FEEL on a deep level that you are a unique soul and there’s a specific reason for your life.
Because there absolutely is!