How To Find Yourself Again: The Way Back to Yourself
You’ve had a loss that’s knocked the wind out of you.
You’re possibly grieving the loss of love, health, or meaning.
As a soul coach, and someone who has been lost at least 3 times in my life, I’ve written a book and created a soulful roadmap for finding your true self.
You’re hoping to rediscover your sense of self and purpose after a significant change or loss. Good for you, it takes courage.
Here is how to find yourself again after a loss of love, health, or meaning, with every tool you’ll need to survive a difficult time and come out more alive.
How to Find Yourself Again: 4 Steps
Here are four stages I created for finding yourself again after a loss of love, health, or meaning…
Jump to a Finding Yourself step…
For a complete guide to Being True to Yourself including setting boundaries, speaking your truth, what is the soul, your soul as yourself, how to find yourself, authentic living, soulful, the courage to be yourself, destiny, soul level, read: Being True to Yourself: A Complete Guide to Living from Your Soul.
1. Acknowledging Loss to Begin Healing
If you’re trying to find yourself again after a loss, it’s crucial to first acknowledge the impact of that loss. Accept the pain, understand the magnitude of change, and give yourself the time and space to grieve.
When I was grieving, I listened to Poems of Self-Compassion by the amazing poet David Whyte everyday. I could have recited each poem by heart. I highly recommend listening to it… it’s like salve for the soul.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Many times, we try to ignore or suppress our feelings to avoid pain. Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions tied to your loss as the first step to moving forward.
Embrace your sadness, anger, or confusion. These emotions are valid and part of your healing process.
Reflect on What Has Changed
Spend time journaling or meditating on what has changed in your life since the loss. This reflection helps you understand how you have been affected and where you need to focus your healing efforts.
You can ask: What parts of myself do I feel disconnected from?
Practice Acceptance
Accept that your journey will take time, and there’s no set timeline for feeling OK again. By giving yourself permission to heal at your own pace, you lay the foundation for rediscovering who you are.
Eventually, you’ll find your new normal.
2. Finding Joy Again
If you feel lost because of a significant loss, it can be challenging to find joy in anything.
Finding yourself again often involves rediscovering the joy in life that brings even a tiny light into your life.
From small to large: Coffee in the morning. Long walks. Silly TV. Watching your pet sleep. The small things can help you find a rhythm or moments of peace. To time with people you love and deep fulfillment from work.
- Here’s my article on How to Find Joy Again: 11 Best Tips For a Happy Heart
Create new rituals
Your old routines may no longer be feasible or fulfilling after your loss. Establish new daily or weekly rituals that bring a sense of normalcy and inner peace.
This could be anything from starting a gratitude journal, practicing yoga, or dedicating time each day to creative endeavors like drawing, writing, painting, or gardening.
Whatever brings you inner peace.
Allow Yourself Moments of Laughter
Laughter is healing, even when it feels out of place. Allow yourself to enjoy moments of lightness, whether it’s spending time with friends, watching a funny video, or recalling joyful memories.
These moments don’t diminish your loss; instead, they add balance and help you cope.
3. Redefining your identity
Who are you now?
Loss often leaves us questioning our identity, especially if it was a defining part of who we were. To find yourself again, rediscovering who you are now and how you wish to move forward is essential.
For me, I redefined my identity as a spiritual being having a human experience. This is a fundamental shift in how you see yourself and your connection to this universe.
If you’re interested, here’s my article: A Guide to Spiritual Growth: Your Path to Your Soul
Reevaluate Your Values
After a significant change, your values may shift. Spend some time reflecting on what is now most important to you. Ask yourself, “What do I truly value in this new chapter of my life?”
Understanding your core values can help you make decisions that align with who you are becoming.
Explore New Interests and Passions
Loss often creates a void, but it also opens up space for new beginnings. Experiment with new hobbies, interests, or projects that intrigue you. This could be as simple as taking a cooking class, learning a new language, or joining a local club.
New experiences can help you reconnect with your sense of curiosity and excitement about life.
Connect with supportive communities
Sometimes, rediscovering yourself requires connecting with others who understand your experience. Seek out support groups, either in person or online, where you can share your story and hear from others who are also navigating their journey.
Building new close connections can help you feel less alone and supported in your self-discovery.
Consider doing a “Life Audit” on yourself to reassess where you’re at in different areas of your life.
4. Rebuilding Confidence and Trust in Yourself
Rebuilding your confidence after a loss is crucial when trying to find yourself again. It’s common to feel uncertain or disconnected from your abilities and self-worth, but taking deliberate actions can help restore your trust in yourself and self-love.
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness is part finding yourself again. Self-forgiveness is an essential part of the healing of your life. Especially after losing someone you love, survivor’s guilt may come into play and only add to your heartache.
Here’s a two-minute audio I recorded with affirmations on How to forgive yourself for past mistakes.
Daily affirmations
Write down affirmations like, I am worthy of love, or I am enough just as I am. Place these affirmations where you can see them every day—like your mirror or bedside table—to remind yourself of your value and worth.
Here are my blog posts with affirmations I highly recommend to help you mind relax:
Best self-love affirmations to love yourself more
Great positive affirmations for women
Other affirmations to choose from depending on subject
Self-care
Make self-care a priority by dedicating time each day to something that makes you feel nurtured and connects you to your soul. This could include activities like taking a warm bath, reading a favorite book, or practicing mindful breathing. These activities help reinforce that you are deserving of care and kindness.
Compassionate journaling
When journaling, be compassionate towards yourself. Instead of focusing solely on what’s difficult, also write about what you’re proud of and the strengths that are helping you through this time. Remind yourself that healing is a process, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time.
Set small, achievable goals
Start by setting small, realistic goals that you can accomplish each day or week. These goals could be as simple as going for a walk, cooking a healthy meal, or organizing a small part of your space.
Each time you achieve a goal, no matter how minor, you reinforce your ability to move forward and regain control over your life.
Take care of your body
Physical well-being can have a significant impact on emotional health. Engage in activities that help you feel physically strong, whether it’s exercise, yoga, or simply maintaining a balanced diet.
Caring for your body can help you regain a sense of agency and confidence in your ability to nurture yourself.
Questions You’ll Ask to Find Yourself Again
Who am I?
This is the eternal question! It’s up there with: What is the meaning of life?
Who am I... is a question about your core identity that has been asked by many philosophers, including Socrates, who felt the soul is who you are. So, in being a soulful person, you find the answers you’re looking for because you’re so connected to the soul, the essence of YOU.
And a long list of great thinkers agrees as well. Marsilio Ficino from the 1400s, Carl Jung who lived until 1961, and James Hillman who passed in 2011, to name a few.
What am I doing here?
You are here for a reason and your life was created to fulfill that reason. Your life is not an accident. You have not randomly landed here. Instead, you are part of a world that may appear haphazard but is supportive and intelligent.
What is the purpose of my life?
Since we are here to learn and grow, we have more than one purpose in life. What are you here to learn? Finding the answer is one purpose. What you have to give, share, or express is another purpose. And you may have a number of things to accomplish, not just one.
On the flip side, you may have just one very specific purpose…. like raising the next president of the United States or inventing the next cure for a deadly disease. Or, starting a ripple effect that changes how large populations of people change their thinking.
You or your child might set an effect in motion that you can’t even imagine now.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
When my husband passed away the first book I got was: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. This phenomenal book explores the question we all have bouncing around in our heads: Why don’t the bad guys die and the good guys stay here?
It’s heartbreaking to lose people who were making the world better just by being here. Those special souls whose very presence lifted those around them.
Answering the impossible
Rabbi Kushner’s best-selling book suggests that we may not understand what happens, but there is a God and the worst adversity can be turned into something meaningful. This answer may comfort you or not. Personally, if you believe there is no answer, I understand that very, very well.
How do I feel like myself again?
After any new loss… you don’t feel like yourself. You wake up each day and you feel… off. You’d love to feel like yourself again, or at least comfortable. You miss that feeling.
During this time, allow yourself to be sad, to grieve, to feel off. Let it be. Because, and this is important, once you’ve grieved and honored your experience, you will feel like yourself again. And if you really allow yourself to feel lost, you’ll find a new level of comfort that’s even better.
Please trust the process. Nature designs us to heal.
The universe steps in when you feel lost
Six months after my husband passed, a book came to me in the middle of the night about a caterpillar who doesn’t believe she can be a butterfly. She doesn’t believe in herself. She’s lost. She doesn’t really know herself and doubts herself.
I know my spirit guides gave me this book.
In the book, my caterpillar feels lost in life, long before she experiences a loss of love. Like myself, she feels deep down that there’s more within her that needs to surface in life, but doesn’t know what it is or how to find it.
Sometimes in life, we have to crawl
Crawling is defined as the challenging times in life. You’re stepping slowly on the ground, small baby steps at a time. During these times soul guidance is KEY. When we’re feeling lost, often, we’re crawling through the day, through conversations, and basically faking it a lot of the time.
At the end of the day, we wonder how we made it through. How did I wake up, show up and muddle through the day long enough to get me back home and into bed?
How did I do that?
Most of the time, we don’t know how we did it. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it, except that I crawled one day at a time.
Why I wrote about a caterpillar
I mentioned above, waking up in the middle of the night with a book in my head about a caterpillar who doesn’t believe she can be a butterfly.
This was me.
I’d never written a book.
Actually, I never even wanted to write a book before.
But, as I’ve heard others say, the book asked to be written. The story takes place from the point of view of the caterpillar because I was crawling through my grief and self-doubt.
And I was completely lost.
Yet, I knew there was more within me. Plus, my husband validated this when he visited me in a dream and told me that I had more to do and be in my life. I discovered later that he was ultimately assigned to be one of my spirit guides.
I had to grow my own wings.
When you experience something so odd, so big, and so hard to believe… it wakes you up a bit. It wakes you up a lot! We become so used to only believing what we can see in life. So, when we’re given the gift of peering behind the veil of life, to the other side, it’s transformational.
The veil is the very thin line or almost non-existent partition between life and death.
And when this happens, we get the opportunity to experience with our own feeble senses, that yes, there’s more beyond this life. There’s more we can’t see or touch. But, it’s there.
Tired of being strong
I related with my heart and soul because I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I was tired of carrying such a heavy load.
This time of being tired from life, or burn out, or whatever you’re feeling, forces you to rest.
Rest is very important when you’re finding yourself.
Because you may not realize it, but your mind is going 24/7 about your life, your problems, stress, are you being the best version of yourself, and on and one.
All of that brain activity is exhausting to the body.
So rest is good.
Then, find a puddle to soak in
Your puddle is defined as the place within you that goes deeper. It’s an important place because it’s profound to know your own inner workings. It’s honoring yourself when you allow your unique experience without self-rejection.
The simple act of being with whatever emotion arises is needed to find your true self. And, expressing your feelings is KEY.
Pushing Through by Rainer Maria Rilke
In Rainer Maria Rilke‘s poem, Pushing Through, he writes…
It’s possible I am pushing through solid rock
in flintlike layers, as the ore lies, alone;
I am such a long way in I see no way through,
and no space: everything is close to my face,
and everything close to my face is stone.
I don’t have much knowledge yet in grief
so this massive darkness makes me small.
You be the master: make yourself fierce, break in:
then your great transforming will happen to me,
and my great grief cry will happen to you.
Pushing Through Solid Rock
When you’re lost or grief-ridden, as this poem is about, it feels like you’re pushing through solid rock.
Rilke’s phenomenal image here is that… it’s massive darkness and you feel so small.
He’s saying, your great transforming will happen to me, and my great grief cry will happen to you.
I remember reciting this poem to myself on my walks each day… over and over again. I could see the solid rock in front of me and I related with grief feeling so heavy that I couldn’t push through it.
Other good reasons you feel lost in life
It’s possible to lose yourself in other ways as well. You might feel as though you’ve drifted, focusing on helplessness or victim consciousness.
Victim triangle
In The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic), David Emerald writes about the victim triangle versus the creator triangle.
In the first point, you feel as though things happen to you and you often feel powerless.
And negative self-talk can consume your life.
While in the creator triangle you see yourself as a creator in your life, which is empowering.
You believe in your ability to create the results you desire and you find a way to do it.
You’re willing to try new things, pursue your dreams, and explore the unknown.
When you feel lost or like a victim, excitement is limited and fun challenges don’t seem to come down the road. Routines feel boring and they’re not as enjoyable.
Losing the connection to self
It’s possible that we lose the connection with ourselves when we have other notions about what we’re supposed to do in life. Our feelings are wrapped up in feeling like we’re not enough.
However, as you connect within, to your soul, your genius, your gifts, you become centered in what you have to give.
Negative thoughts lead to feeling lost
Every single emotion, believe it or not, begins with a thought. Whether you’re aware of it or not.
To learn how to find yourself, it’s important to pay attention to your thinking.
Questions when you’re being negative
Am I criticizing myself?
Am I giving myself enough time and space to be with my emotions?
Do I believe I deserve an abundance of love and success?
There’s no doubt that negative thinking is a habit and like any habit, can be changed. In my book The Thought Store: 8 Simple Thinking Habits, I help people change low-vibe thinking.
Make sure your thinking is supportive when finding yourself
Negative thoughts can make you feel like you are the worst person in the world. When you are feeling lost and you want to know how to find yourself again, your thinking needs to be self-loving.
Your thinking must be high-vibe!
Instead, when you feel lost, focus your thoughts on being good to your true self.
What does this look like?
When your mood or energy drops and you feel out of your comfort zone ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need in this moment? Am I living in this moment?
Notice how instead of criticizing yourself, you focus on what you need. This is necessary because when you feel lost and you’re out of your comfort zone, you need love.
We find our way with self-confidence, self-compassion, and self-love.
Final thoughts
For a long time after my husband passed, I was lost. However, truth be told, I was lost in a different way before that.
Before that happened, I would describe myself as spiritually lost or hungry and looking for a sense of my own soul.
I realize now that trying to find yourself again is often a search for self-acceptance and self-love. At least it was for me.
How to find yourself is a journey to the self. We each have a calling in this life and it’s up to us to answer the call.
As a soul coach, I love how we’re each individuals with our own calling… and the idea that you are here for a reason that’s all yours.
There’s no silver bullet to find your way to yourself, it’s a process.
As I write in The Butterfly Silhouette, it’s a quest.
