It’s hard to stop overthinking in a relationship because humans are busy thinkers. It’s been shown that people have on average 60,000 thoughts a day.
That’s a lot of thoughts.
And when those thoughts are coming at you, one after one, like a battery of negative thinking, it can be a lot!
And if you’re overthinking your relationship, all of the thinking and analyzing causes relationship anxiety. Especially when you’re in a new romantic relationship. Then, root fears begin to kick in. As a result, you feel anxious and you can’t stop overthinking what might go wrong next.
The romantic relationship.
We want to love and be loved in relationships, more than anything. And when we have underlying issues, as most of us do, we have some work to do.
Because past romantic relationships tend to stay with us. So, if we’ve been hurt or abandoned in a past relationship, or in childhood, until we heal that, we carry it into the current relationship.
Plus, our intimate relationships are affected by the relationship we witnessed between our parents.
To be in a healthy relationship, we must be aware of overthinking, negative self talk, anxious thoughts, and fear-based negative thoughts.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Overthinking and negative thinking are the result of emotions that are sitting within you, waiting to be felt. That’s how the body works.
This may surprise you, but the mind goes into overdrive because we have unresolved emotions! So, by committing to feel what you feel, as it arises, you will dramatically change your life.
No, you don’t have to dive into therapy, although I’m a fan. And you don’t have to dig up the dredges of your past all at once.
However, you do want to be present with what you’re feeling. This seemingly small, but very powerful level of awareness will transform your relationship, because it will transform you.
As you move old emotional energy out, using the techniques I describe below, the fog in your relationship will begin to clear. It really will.
The answers for you and the one you love will present themselves as you heal your life.
Stop overthinking in general.
But, how do we combat the onslaught of thoughts? How do we stop overthinking? How do we get more clarity and stop feeling insecure?
Here’s one suggestion: just fall asleep instead. Tell your family you’re meditating, because you’ll seem cool and peaceful-like, but sleep instead. It’s much easier.
Then, once you’re well rested from your daily naps, your daily “meditation” (they won’t know the difference), your daily tea and chocolate covered pretzels, then you might consider just sitting up straight and watching your breath come and go.
OK, I’m poking fun, attempting levity in this tortuous topic of overthinking in a relationship, because it’s not fun to find yourself in the endless loop of anxious thoughts, and thought patterns that are likely to keep you stuck in a relationship and in your life.
Examples of Overthinking
Asking yourself… Do they like me?
What did I say in that conversation?
Did I say the wrong thing?
Revisiting situations over and over again.
Do they really love me?
You’re in a really nice moment and you’re thinking about your TO DO list.
Or you’re in a really cool moment and you’re wondering what you’re going to eat today.
You’re worrying that you won’t be happy.
You’re afraid you’ll be rejected and you keep thinking about it instead of doing something new or saying something you’ve kept inside.
Thinking: If only I’d said or done…
How to stop overthinking in a relationship: 3 proven strategies.
#1 – How to stop overthinking in a relationship: Ask yourself if what you’re thinking about is true?
Begin with identifying what you’re actually thinking. So notice: What was I just thinking about? Once you identify it, now ask yourself: Is this thing I was thinking true?
If it is true, this you will probably have to take some kind of action: communicate with your partner, get help, advice, but address the situation. Don’t avoid it.
However, if it’s not true, then use this realization to heal. When you realize: This isn’t what’s really happening here, stop overthinking and tap into your feelings by saying thoughts like these:
I’m feeling insecure right now, but they love me. I am lovable and feel loved and cared for in this relationship.
#2 – How to stop overthinking in a relationship: Identify how this person makes you feel in the here and now.
When you are with them, OVERALL, do you feel they’re on your side? Is your heart protected by them? Do you feel safe and loved?
Now, this brings up a very critical point: If you have issues with insecurity or an anxious attachment style, then you might not feel loved even when you are in actuality, being treated with love. Also, my post, 307 affirmations for self love will help you.
So, awareness of your own piece in this is a great first step to healing. It will help you to seek guidance from a professional or an objective, trusted 3rd party to see if you’re not seeing the situation clearly.
#3 – How to stop overthinking in a relationship: When you’re experiencing a painful emotion, focus on the emotion directly without any thoughts or story around it.
This thinking skill is the key to a happy relationship and happy life.
Thoughts and emotions are of the ego. And negative thoughts and emotions get trapped in the body as heavy energy.
However, as you feel any and everything that arises, without the negative thinking around it, you lighten your load. You lighten that dense heavy emotional energy that you are carrying.
This has a dramatic impact on your thinking.
Overthinking is a habit based on old painful emotions that you are carrying in the body. You will stop overthinking as you move that old energy out!
You’ll stop overthinking as you heal your life.
Plus, you’ll find your current relationship easier to manage because you’re not constantly waiting for something bad to happen.
Letting go of this heavy energy from the past will lead to a healthy relationship, much more positive thinking, you’ll be able to talk openly without the fear of losing something or someone.
The past stays with us until we heal it.
Self-love Secret Sauce:
Focus on the Feeling.
1. Notice when you’re overthinking something in the relationship or feeling a painful emotion.
2. Name what you’re feeling. ie: I feel hurt.
3. Now, focus your attention on what you’re feeling inside your body, and sense the emotion directly, instead of through the filter of your thoughts and the story around the emotion.
This instruction is an extremely powerful act of self love.
To be clear, as you’re honoring the emotion directly, let go of any thoughts or stories around it. You’re simply BEING PRESENT WITH THE EMOTION.
Overthinking stems from the ego.
Overthinking stems from the ego. The ego is the part of us that’s trying to protect itself, defend itself, and prove to the world that we’re OK.
Shoot, more than OK! The ego needs people to be impressed.
And in a relationship, the ego is thinking 24/7: Do they really love me?
Or, am I worthy of love?
This is not something you want to be listening to, right? Because these kinds of negative thoughts will make you worry more and more.
Since the ego is constantly thinking and trying to prove itself, it runs through worst case scenarios, the worst possible outcome, and worries constantly about the future.
The ego is always trying to control your thinking and behavior.
In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle tells us that our constant stream of thoughts is purely from the ego, and that we must learn how to stop attaching ourselves to our thoughts, and not take life too seriously.
Easier said than done.
In the present moment, you overthink less.
As we focus on the present moment, what is happening right here, right now, we aren’t wrapped up in the past, or worrying about the future.
We all know this right? But, how do we actually stay present?
And, how do we stop the endless flow of negative thoughts?
Most of all, how to stop overthinking in a relationship?
To help you come back into the present moment, choose an activity like a neighborhood walk, a workout regimen , or hobby that can help you calm down and direct your attention back to the present moment.
A painful past relationship will stay with you.
What else causes overthinking in a relationship?
Overthinking can be a result of: 1. A root fear : Overthinking stems from a particular insecurity or root fear. This insecurity may be from childhood, a past relationship, or general low self-esteem or trust issues.
2. Excess time or energy : When you have a lot of free time or energy, you may find yourself overthinking or mulling over relationship advice to pass the time.
3. Lack of trust : If your relationship lacks a foundation of trust, you may feel unable to trust your partner. This happens when trust is broken early in the relationship and the steps to rebuild trust are not taken.
Overthinking in a relationship and overthinking in general is the most common complaint I’ve heard as a life coach and thinking habits expert. I’ve taught thinking habits in hospitals and schools for years, and what I hear over and over again is: How do I stop thinking about blank? It’s annoying!
The techniques like those I mention above will help you to quiet your busy mind by helping you feel what is real for you.
We transform our lives by healing old emotional energy. The strategies above will help you and family members address overthinking and by focusing you on the real issue here: How you feel.