What is The Ego & How to Tame This Beast

You catch yourself replaying a conversation from three days ago, then jump ahead to worry about something next week. The present moment slips by, again.

This little voice in your head, the one criticizing, comparing, and protecting you from imagined threats, has a name. It’s the ego, and most of us have no idea how much it runs the show.

As a soul coach for over 25 years, and author of The Butterfly Silhouette: 12 Principles for Following Your Soul (winner of the San Francisco Book Festival in both Spirituality and Poetry), I’ve helped countless seekers recognize the ego’s grip and loosen it.

This is soul-centered spirituality for the spiritually hungry, those reaching inward to know themselves and outward to touch something bigger.

In this article, you’ll learn what the ego actually is, why it pulls you out of the present moment, and how to shrink it so your soul can take the lead.

What is the Ego?

The ego is the part of the mind that creates your sense of being a separate self. It’s the inner narrator, the “I” who has opinions, defends itself, compares, and worries. While the ego serves a real purpose in helping you function in the world, it tends to take over, drowning out the quieter voice of your soul.

Eckhart Tolle quote

Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle offers one of the clearest descriptions of the ego I’ve seen, and it resonates deeply. In his magnificent book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, he writes that the ego is “a conglomeration of recurring thought forms and conditioned, mental emotional patterns that are invested with a sense of I, a sense of self.”

In other words, the ego isn’t a thing inside you. It’s a pattern of thinking that keeps repeating itself until you mistake it for who you are.

How the Ego Differs from the Soul

Your soul is the eternal part of you that is connected always. It doesn’t judge, defend, or compare. It learns, grows, and witnesses. The ego, on the other hand, is loud, reactive, and stuck in time, either rehashing the past or rehearsing the future.

This is why being true to your soul matters so much. When the ego runs the show, you live in your head. When the soul leads, you live in the moment.

The 12 Principles I teach in The Butterfly Silhouette are about exactly this kind of shift, recognizing what’s eternal in you and letting it guide the way. Principle by principle, you build a relationship with the soul that quiets the ego, not by fighting it, but by no longer feeding it.

Signs the Ego is Running Your Life

You can usually feel the ego at work. Some common signs include:

• Replaying conversations or imagining future ones
• Needing to be right, or needing the last word
• Comparing yourself to others, favorably or unfavorably
• Inner criticism that won’t let up
• Feeling separate, defensive, or on guard most of the day

When you notice these patterns, you’ve already started shrinking the ego. Awareness is the first move.

The ego’s mantra

The ego’s mantra is: It’s me against them.

The world is out to get me, so I must protect myself.

The ego wants to assert itself, get revenge, hurt others’ feelings as they’ve hurt mine, and so on. 

My ego wants to impress you. 

And the ego’s form of self-honesty is criticism…. the inner critic.

This isn’t living in the moment! Instead, the ego is busy worrying about the future and regretting or missing the past.

Related article: Ego Death Meaning: What is it and Expert Explanations

The soul’s mantra

While the soul realizes at different levels…

I want to learn and grow.  I need to do this thing.  All that happens is necessary and arranged for my soul’s evolution. 

Your unique soul knows it struggles, but it’s OK with it. It doesn’t have an ego… so it’s not judging itself! 

The soul knows that falling down, fumbling, and all out fear is part of life,

The soul is directly connected to a power far greater than you are that runs through you. Eckhart Tolle calls this Presence.

How do you shrink the ego? 

To shrink the ego begins with three simple words:  Awareness of it. 

Then, you build a consciousness that says: I am unwilling to live like this! 

There’s a famous line from the Oscar winning movie, Network:

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!” 

Well, that’s what you can say to your ego. 

As Eckhart Tolle makes a brilliant case for in A New Earth, stop being entangled with it, then it will shrink from its lack of nourishment. 

So we have to stop being sucked into what it’s doing… needing to be accepted, approved of, needing to be right, needing to be superior, etc. 

No one would want my ego at a party… not at all.

How do you work with the two? 

If everything that happens is part of your soul’s evolution, then where does the obnoxious ego fit in? 

As we heal and grow, the ego shrinks.  

Here’s what to do to work with the ego and the soul.

Stop thinking the negative stories about YOU!

Your thoughts create emotions. I talk about that in my post: 3 Best Positive Thinking Skills For A High Vibe Life

The biggest problem with the ego is that we tend to tell ourselves negative stories and negative thoughts about ourselves and our lives.

Does this sound familiar?

Something happens that brings up an emotional pain of some kind… like hurt, anger, fear, rejection. So you FEEL this emotional pain. Then usually, you’ll go right to the story about it.

Well, she always does that.

He’s going to say THIS THING I HATE.

Oh man, I bet she will do it again.

If this happens, I will feel devastated FOREVER.

Sadly, the sad negative stories are part of our emotional heritage from living in a world laden with emotional baggage.

Then, we bring in our own emotional baggage!

Between everyone else’s baggage and our baggage, we have a lot of negative stories bouncing around in our heads!

The negative story you’re telling yourself is adding on to the emotion. If you’re hurt, and you think the story of WHY you’re hurt… you’re inflaming the hurt.

What to do with the negative story

When you notice yourself jumping into the negative story… stop the story.

Instead, you can shrink the ego and honor the energy of the emotion.

You can do this:

Notice what you feel.

Now, focus your attention on the ENERGY OF THE EMOTION.

Stay with the energy of it, not the story about it.

How does this help you live in the moment? Well, in the moment you are having a feeling right? Well, allow that.

Accept that.

AND, don’t add to it with a story about it.

The negative story will not help or heal you or the situation! It won’t! However, allowing the emotion to be felt and ultimately released WILL help and heal your mind, body, and soul .

What is the ego?

The ego is the part of the mind that is responsible for our sense of self. It is what makes us feel like we are separate from the world around us and gives us our sense of identity.

According to Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth, “The ego is a conglomeration of recurring thought forms and conditioned, mental emotional patterns that are invested with a sense of I, a sense of self.“

The ego is responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

On page 62 in A New Earth, he writes, “You resent other people’s greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they failed to do, what they should, or shouldn’t have done. The ego loves it.“

Let go of your need to understand

While trying to understand life is what us humans do, it’s WAY overrated. Instead, we need to lean into emotional energy.

Just feel the energy or frequency of your emotions.

And sit with it in the present moment.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

And when you notice a story line creeping into your mind, gently say to yourself: No thank you.

The stories will pop into your head… and when they do, bring your attention back to the energy of the emotion. The pure raw energy.

We are thought out. We are thinking ourselves to death.

The soul wants to live in the moment

As a soul coach, I’m committed to the deeper aspect of us, the soul.

It’s focusing on the little things, the tiny details that make life rich, full, and wonderful.

All of that.

Plus, the soul likes to live in the moment because in the moment we create our lives.

If we’re stuck in the past or future, it’s hard to create new relationships, new opportunities, new anything!  But… the ego keeps us stuck!

Additionally, a spiritual advantage of nature, is that it helps you connect with the soul and live in the moment.

Tips for being soulful and savoring the moment

To savor the moment means to really enjoy life and appreciate the present moment, to take the time to experience and appreciate what is happening right now.

It can be something as simple as enjoying a delicious meal, or as profound as spending time with loved ones. Savoring the moment can help us to appreciate the good things in our lives, and to reduce stress and anxiety.

Here are some tips on how to savor living in the moment more:

• Pay attention to your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel?
• Slow down and take your time. Don’t rush through the moment.
• Be grateful. Appreciate the good things in your life, both big and small.
• Be soulful!

Pay attention to your senses

Mindfulness meditation asks that you focus your attention on the present moment.

In Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat Zinn, he teaches mindfulness meditation in very simple language.

So, you can use mindfulness to focus on your senses in the present moment. Notice what you see in front of you, the colors and shapes.

Notice what you smell and what do those smells remind you of?

What can you hear? Is it nature, man, construction, the wind?

Also, write about what you are experiencing through your senses. This can help you to become more aware of your surroundings and to appreciate the beauty of the world around you.

Slow down and don’t rush

Set a timer for 10 minutes and focus on one task at a time during that time.

Or, take a few deep breaths when you start to feel overwhelmed.

When you’re beginning to feel overloaded step away from what you’re doing. And spend time with loved ones who you feel calm with.

My favorite piece of advice for my clients is to do one thing at a time. When you’re doing too much, say to yourself: One thing at a time.

It is important to find what works best for you and to be patient with yourself. Slowing down is a habit and like any habit can be changed.

Practice gratitude

There are many ways to practice gratitude. Here are a few ideas I recommend:

• Oprah made this one popular, but keep a gratitude journal. Write down three things you’re grateful for each day.
• Start with a daily gratitude practice. Take a few minutes to think about all the things you’re grateful for before you start your day. I have a gratitude prayer I say every morning before my feet hit the floor.
• Notice the simple pleasures in life. Take a moment to appreciate the beauty of nature, the taste of your food, or the warmth of your bed.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion that will have a positive impact on your life. When you focus on the things you’re grateful for, it shifts your energy!

Final thoughts

The ability to be present and live in the moment is a lifelong spiritual practice.

So, don’t be discouraged when you want to live in the moment, and you’re not.

The path to get there is having the will and a repeated practice, as with any new way of being in the world.

But, it’s worthwhile, actually, it may be the most important thing we can do with our lives… is the ability to live each moment for whatever it is.